The joys of sex

By Henrylito D. Tacio

 

(Author’s note:  What you are going to read contains explicit expressions and may even be graphic to some.  A few of you may find it offensive but please bear with me.  If you think you cannot take candid words, don’t read this particular piece.  Thank you.)

 

Milton Berle once said: “Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, “You’re only interested in one thing,’ and you can’t remember what it is.”  If you also have a hard time figuring it out, here’s an opinion from Woody Allen, “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

 

Here are two more quotable statements from Allen, who has dated some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. At one time, he advised, “Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.”  On another occasion, he said, “Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.”

 

Bestselling author Barbara Cartland believed, “Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.”  Gloria Steinem admitted, “A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage and a job after.” Italian actress Sophia Loren shares this tip: “Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got.”

 

Why am I writing this thing called sex?  Well, I recently received an e-mail telling the benefits of sex.  This message was sent to you so that you have good chances in sexual relations,” it said.  “It went around the world 9 times.”

 

I am not sure if you have received it but allow me to share some of those benefits.

Sex is a beauty treatment, it said. Scientific tests have shown that a woman who has sexual relations produces big amounts of estrogen which makes hair shiny and soft.  One friend once told me: “Did you know that we can determine if a person is sexually active or not by looking at her skin?”

 

Making love “in soft and relaxed way” reduces the possibilities of suffering from dermatitis and acne. It has been found that the sweat produced cleans pores and makes the skin shine.  Now, I am thinking of what my friend has told me.

 

Unlike basketball, boxing, and fencing, sex is one of the “safest sports.” It strengthens all body muscles.   Another thing: it is more enjoyable than doing 20 lapses in the pool.  “I think making love is the best form of exercise,” Hollywood actor Cary Grant once said.

 

Are you feeling depressed? “Sex is an instantaneous cure,” it said.  Sex, after all, frees endorphines in the blood flow, creating a state of euphoria and leaves a person with a feeling of well-being.

 

If you have trouble sleeping, why not try sex?  Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world.  In fact, it is 10 times more efficient than valium.

 

Sleeplessness is not the only health problem that can be helped by sex.  For another, sex relieves headaches. Each time you make love, it releases the tension in your brain veins.

 

To kiss everyday allows you to avoid the dentist.  Kisses aid saliva in cleaning teeth and lower the quantity of acids causing enamel weakening.

 

But despite all these benefits, many people can’t help but make fun of it.  Here’s one: An Italian man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love Italian style, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”

The Frenchman boasted, “Last week, when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love French style and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”

Now, it was the turn of the Filipino hunk.  “Well, two nights ago,” he said, “my wife and I also had sex.  I rubbed her body all over with dinuguan sauce.  We made love, and she screamed for over six hours.”

The other two were stunned, but green with envy. The amazed Frenchman asked, “Please teach us your style, my friend – what could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”

The Filipino man replied, “I wiped my hands on the bedspread.”

 

Here’s another one: A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day discussing who had the superior culture.  Over triple lattes, the Greek guy said, “Well, we have the Parthenon.”  

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, “We have the Coliseum.”  The Greek retorted, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, “But we built the Roman Empire.”  And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he thought would end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he said, “We Greeks invented sex!”   

The Italian replied, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women.”

 

“What is peculiar to modern societies,” said Michel Foucault, “is not that they consigned sex to a shadow existence, but that they dedicated themselves to speaking of it ad infinitum, while exploiting it as the secret.”

 

For comments, write me at henrytacio@gmail.com

 

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One response to “The joys of sex

  1. Sex with dinuguan, masarap yan.

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